Ho Ho Noooo...

Last night we had our family Christmas party. Mom thought it would be fun to play that game where one person opens a present and the next person can steal it and then the first person has to open another present. The next person can then steal either present and so on. This can be a lot of fun when the gifts are good.

My brother went first and opened up a purple t-shirt with a torch on it. Hmmm. My sister-in-law was next and, taking a pass on the snazzy t-shirt, opened a cube of note paper. Niece the Second opened an Eddie Bauer flashlight/alarm clock which was marginally desirable. Niece the First opened a t-shirt from Speidiefest 2008, child size small. (Please bear in mind that no one present is child sized.) No. 1 opened a pair of purple tights, size large. (Please bear in mind that no one present is a size large either.) When Nephew the Second opened up a Tortenplatte (cake plate) my Mom had purchased at WMF in Stuttgart when we were there in 1983, I was overcome with a wave of hysterical laughter so severe I couldn't breathe.

My mother had come up with 21 presents nobody wanted.

Mom considers herself a great shopper and prides herself on buying people fantastic presents they absolutely love at bargain prices.

In reality, Mom buys the worst presents ever, shopping with an utter disregard for the tastes, wants, and preferences of the recipient. One of her favorite things to do is buy items on extreme clearance and leave the tag on, so the recipient can enjoy the gift more knowing what a good deal she got.

What follows is a completely factual and true list, in no particular order, of items my mother has given as Christmas gifts:

Top sheets and bottom sheets that do not match, but are name brand and very high quality

BandAids

A book the author had signed "To Grace, Best Wishes!"

Hot pink placemats*

A t-shirt with a squirrel on it that said, "All The People Who Drive Me Nuts Are In My Family", purchased at Cracker Barrel (Given to me 3 years ago)

Silver utensils inscribed with someone elses initials; very high quality, of course

Hideous clothing containing shoulder ruffles well after 1980

Bright orange placemats*

Tennis player oven mitts, given to people who do not play tennis

A staple remover*

A bright turquoise sweatshirt, size XXL, for a 6'4" tall man

A collapsible gardening hat

Pink velvet couches (very high quality)

*items given to my brother-in-law

Needless to say, as a child I found the holidays somewhat disappointing. Each year on Christmas morning, my friends would call and we would have a conversation that went something like this:

Friend: I got a Guess sweater, five pairs of jeans, a juke box, a pinball machine, an Atari, and a gold necklace. What did you get?

Me: Uh... Irregular sweatpants.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I formed my excellent sense of humor.

Merry Christmas to you all!

***UPDATE***

This is what Mom gave my brother for Christmas this year:



Yep, that's a jar of Orange Marmalade.