To Blog, or not to Blog?

That is the question.

People keep telling me I need to write a book or a blog because I am "funny". Then again, these are the same people who tell me I'm not fat so I have to question their judgement. I actually had the idea to write a (completely ficticious) book about a girl whose mother embarasses her frequently which would not at all have been based on real events from my own life. I came up with a list of incidents to write about that took up the front and back of a piece of notebook paper and figured by the time I wrote them all out I would have a 700 page book. The prospect seemed intimidating so I gave up before I even started. So I hope I can commit to blog entries. We'll try it and see what happens.

I'm going to begin with a few important facts you need to know about me to enjoy my blog:

1) I am 38 years old, have three fantastic and frustrating teenage daughters and a wonderful, cute, and high-maintenance husband. We live in upstate New York with my elderly parents and Sam, a codependent miniature schnauzer who used to be mine but then he met my dad and was like, "Emily who?" Nowadays he only hangs out with me when Dad isn't home.

2) I will be making fun of people. Most often these people will be my parents. Please don't take it to mean I do not dearly love them. But they are getting old, falling apart in mind and body, and I could deal with it by crying all the time (not that I have, um, tried that or anything) or I can laugh it off when my mother, who is a brilliant woman with a PhD, misplaces her kleenex and spends an entire afternoon accusing everyone of taking it before it turns up in the butter dish. Humor is my coping mechanism.

3) I am not telling my parents about this blog and neither should you. I live with them and see them all the time and the Internet where I escape from them when things get rough. Plus, my mother is unable to acknowledge her mental decline, much less see any humor in it.

4) I am making this public because you never know when my brilliant writing will recognized by someone important who will get me published and a comical yet inspiring movie will be made of my life starring Jessica Alba, for which she will earn her first Oscar. (Don't hate me, its not my fault we look exactly alike.) Having lived my life as a stalker magnet, I am a little paranoid and as such am not going to post any personal details, such as my town, children's names, last name, etc. So even if you know me (and lets face it, if you are reading this you probably do) don't post any of my personal information in your comments. Likewise, if I write anything about you staring longingly and lovingly at someone over the burger bar in the cafeteria, I will simply refer to you as "Kelly" and leave off your last name. The Internet is a big, scary, fabuous place full of stalkers and really great people, and my daughters and I are really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

5) I may use run-on sentences. And sometimes I might exaggerate. Deal with it.

6) I totally lied. I don't look anything like Jessica Alba. The only way I would look like her is if I lost 30 pounds and wore a Jessica Alba mask. The only famous person I have ever been told I resemble is Ben from Lost. I didn't feel like it was a compliment.

That's all for now, folks!