Community Theater: A Haven for the Mentally Ill

Over the past ten years I have performed in a number of Community Theater productions. I do it because I love it. I love the lights, I love the music, I love the costumes (unless they are constructed out of vinyl tablecloths), I love the dancing and most of all, I love being up on stage. I highly recommend the experience to all. It doesn't matter if you can't sing. Trust me.

One of the things I love most about Community Theater is the people. They are some of the greatest people you will ever meet. You have something in common with them right off the bat because you are both willing to sit for hours at a time on a hard plastic chair in a sweltering church basement inhabited by a rabid and incontinent cat so you can eventually sing your heart out in front of an audience. (When I refer to the cat as rabid, I mean it in the literal sense of possessing the viral infection known as rabies. And nothing, I mean nothing, can compare to the smell of cat pee in a poorly ventilated space in July.) You are willing to walk a 2 1/2 mile parade route in 100 degree heat while wearing a unitard long past your physical prime in hopes of attracting said audience. In other words, you are crazy.

When I say "crazy" I mean it in the best possible way, but people are all kinds of weird. In order for the uninitiated to better understand I have broken Community Theater Crazy down to eight types. Not all are bad. If you are involved in community theater, there is a 100% chance you fall in one or more of the following categories:

The Fame Whore

This person would do absolutely anything for attention. They are like Tinkerbell and need applause to live. They are drawn to the theater like moths to a flame. They jump at the chance for stage time no matter how small, insignificant, or uncomfortable. "Yes, Mr. Director? You need me to stand frozen on one leg while balancing a platter on my head for the entire second act? I'm on it!"

I credit my friend Kathy with coining this term. It is extra funny because she was talking about my brother when she said it.

The Gross and the Stinky

Very little explanation is required here. Some people, despite numerous lectures and hints regarding the necessity of deodorant, just don't get it. This type includes several subcategories, including The Dragon Breathed (these are the people you are typically required to dance with or, even worse, kiss), The Sweaty (who make you wish your costume consisted of rain gear) and The Gassy (these are the people who you are inevitably stuck behind, with your face not far from their butt, during a freeze).

The Awesome

These people have it all. Brains, talent, beauty. They have their lines memorized at the first rehearsal; they execute every step flawlessly; they can ad lib at the drop of a hat; they sing like angels; they wear awesome t-shirts that say things like "Actually, I'm really quite busy on a cellular level". You would hate them if they weren't incredibly nice. They are so cool, you are dying to be their best friend, but afraid that asking them to hang out would seem too desperate.

The Diva

The awesome, but with an ego. Not quite as much fun to be around, but more likely to be your friend because they are looking for groupies.

The Delusional

This person beleives themselves to be one of The Awesome or a Diva. In reality, they are anything but. Their singing is pitchy, their delivery flat, and whenever you watch them dance you get that sick feeling normally associated with dead puppies, burning orphanages, and the environmental consequences of catastrophic oil spills. They hog the stage, push people out of the way both literally and figuratively, and can't understand why they didn't get the lead. This person is going to be a star, damn it, A STAR!!!

The Director

Contrary to what the title may imply or what this person may believe, they are not actually the director. But they don't let that stop them from constantly correcting everyone and offering suggestions to "improve" the show. Every idea and random show-related thought in their head MUST be shared with the whole cast in the loudest and most obnoxious way possible. There is a line between sharing ideas for the greater good and attempting to hijack the entire production, and this person is firmly camped out on the wrong side. Sadly, The Director is so busy telling everyone else to do and sharing anecdotes of "that one time I waterskiied into a cliff" that they never learn their own lines or cues. And they touch the props constantly.

The Creeper

The name says it all here. There are several reasons why this type is attracted to the theater, and very few of them are actually related to a love of their craft. In fact, many of these people can't sing at all. Mostly they come because the stage gets them in close proximity to women who won't give them the time of day otherwise. This person is a never ending fountain of inappropriate comments, many of which are directed at 14-year-old girls. (i.e., "I like it when you show a little leg.") They may lurk in dark corners across from the dressing room hoping to catch a glimpse of you partially dressed; they are among the last to leave the cast party, hoping someone will be drunk enough to need a ride home; they may even be a "professional photographer" who specializes in head shots. I don't care how desperate you are for a headshot, DO NOT go to his house to have one taken. If you are foolish enough to do so, just keep in mind that it is customary to be fully clothed in your headshot. Trust me.

The Just Plain Crazy

These poor souls typically wade in the shallow end of the talent pool. Perhaps they are drawn to theater looking for acceptance, and perhaps because they want to learn how to act normal. Disaster is inevitable. Things may be going along just swimmingly when out of nowhere someone is obsessively slapping a prop box and someone else is beating their head against a cinderblock wall. One cast member may accuse another of checking out his butt, then threaten to unleash the fury of the FBI on them. If you are lucky the disaster will be small and easily contained, like a mercury spill in a high school science lab or it could involve assault and battery, restraining orders, and renegade strippers. The Just Plain Crazy are what make a production truly memorable.

If you are interested in Community Theater, please don't let these completely true and factual accounts put you off. Your experiences will be enjoyable and will continue to entertain you for months, even years, after they are over.