1) I am a really terrible person
2) So is my sister
Our story begins on Saturday, July 28, 2012 at 7:29PM
I asked Mom if she had some extra note cards No. 1 could use for thank yous and, no lie, this is what she gave her
BWAWAWAWAWAWAWA! This is a blog post.
I am crying I am laughing so hard.
Seriously. She tried to give those to me, too. I don't know what's worse: mom trying to give those cards to No. 1, or XXXXX for making them as cards in the first place!!
Pick out the worst, too, and send them to me on special occasions
What I love is how they are filed by topic, yet some have been written in
This one's got your name on it. And no, its not blurry.
Lmao!!!
We MUST come up with captions and send them to No. 1!
I could make a whole blog entry of that but it would be kind of rude.
Please call mom to entice her out of my basement. Thanks.
You're the best.
You owe me $7000
Did you get that lecture too?
Yes. Thanks for that opportunity.
She came down to tell me what to do with the money when she dies, because nothings says "financial planning time" like the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.
I know. She has impeccable timing.
Did she tell you how she is doing to thank everyone when she gets to heaven?
Nope. "I have to go get on the treadmill". I figured my job was done since she was so worn out from coming upstairs.
...we don't have a treadmill
I have 2. Come get one. Then you can watch her break a hip on it.
As she was trotting up the stairs to get the phone I was trying to decide how guilty we should feel if she fell and broke a hip
You've suffered enough to be absolved of even full on laughter.
Ha!
Do you think you could come down here for a visit sometime?
I'd like to, but she might try to come with me and that would be no fun.
Tru dat.
I could tell her I'm going on another cruise. You know how she disapproves of cruises.
Yes!
Better yet we should go on a cruise together
Yes. It shall come to pass.
*begins to Google*
You can get a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas from charleston for $269 per person.
Wow!! I could do that!!
I could probably swing it myself. We would have to take Husband, but its always good to have muscle.
Right. To fend off the people trying to budge in my buffet line.
LOL. You'd be surprised how aggressive those old people can get.
I AM one of the old people now...
Oh no you're not. I've been on a cruise.
Ha! I don't know if I can go 5 days yet but I could do 3...
It would be a bit before I could come up with the cash. I have some tuition to pay.
I think I'm going to let you spend your $7000 on one for all of us, and we can spread mom's ashes off the bow of a carnival cruise!
You have the best ideas EVER.
Wearing bikinis!
And chewing gum!
Said ashes will, of course, be contained in a martini shaker
A plastic martini shaker, And so said ashes don't fly back on us, we'll actually mix them with martini. Shaken. Not stirred.
Perfect. And as they fly through the air, Husband will swear a blue streak.
And we shall sing a bastardized version of Amazing Grace.
No, we shall sing how Great Thou Art because she hates that song.
Oh, right!!!
We will ask the steel drum band to back us up.
YES!!!!!
And I bet some drunk people will be on hand to sing the chorus off key
I should hope so.
You can wrap it all up by flirting with an athiest Arab
Oh, why stop there? He could be a staunch republican athiest uneducated porn star.
Who is Arab.
With illegitimate children? Please?
AND WEARING CALVIN KLEIN!!!!
Oh, all right. For you. Since you're paying and everything.
He's going to have to smoke, of course... Pot.
The whole experience will be much more meaningful if it occurs while we should be at church
Yes. Or at her actual funeral.
Oh! And we could shoot skeet WITH HER DISHES!
Using her tablecloths as Sunbathing blankets...
This keeps getting more and more awesome. We could alo have a bonfire of all her seminary files, using vodka as an accelerant.
And we will lay on top of those tablecloths reading 50 shades of gray even though we don't want to
Should we give her shoe collection to ungrateful pregnant high school drop-outs before or after we set sail?
Before. And we can let No. 3 eat all her Breyers ice cream, straight from the carton, with the Spanish spoon
Awww!
And we will soak up all the excess water from the hot tub with her oriental rugs
I actually like the oriental rugs when they're not in her house.
There was one rolled up under the piano for three years. I laid it out in front of the turtle tank and she noticed within 12 hours.
They have homing devices in them
They must. Or else she is a rug psychic.
Pfft. She Loves them like they are her children. Or instead of.
We better watch out or she will bequeath her estate to her beloved carpets.
I still have power of attorney. we're okay
You are terrible! And hilarious!!! Glad you can have a sense of humor about your mama drama.
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