An Actual, Unedited Text Conversation Between Me and my Sister

You will learn two things from this post:

1) I am a really terrible person
2) So is my sister

Our story begins on Saturday, July 28, 2012 at 7:29PM

I asked Mom if she had some extra note cards No. 1 could use for thank yous and, no lie, this is what she gave her

BWAWAWAWAWAWAWA! This is a blog post.

I am crying I am laughing so hard.

Seriously. She tried to give those to me, too. I don't know what's worse: mom trying to give those cards to No. 1, or XXXXX for making them as cards in the first place!!

I am picking out the good ones from this giant box of weirdness

Pick out the worst, too, and send them to me on special occasions

What I love is how they are filed by topic, yet some have been written in

This one's got your name on it. And no, its not blurry.

Lmao!!!

We MUST come up with captions and send them to No. 1!

I could make a whole blog entry of that but it would be kind of rude.
Please call mom to entice her out of my basement. Thanks.
You're the best.

You owe me $7000

Did you get that lecture too?

Yes. Thanks for that opportunity.

She came down to tell me what to do with the money when she dies, because nothings says "financial planning time" like the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

I know. She has impeccable timing.

Did she tell you how she is doing to thank everyone when she gets to heaven?

Nope. "I have to go get on the treadmill". I figured my job was done since she was so worn out from coming upstairs.

...we don't have a treadmill

I have 2. Come get one. Then you can watch her break a hip on it.

As she was trotting up the stairs to get the phone I was trying to decide how guilty we should feel if she fell and broke a hip

You've suffered enough to be absolved of even full on laughter.

I'm saving that for when she falls off our theoretical treadmill.

Ha!

Do you think you could come down here for a visit sometime?

I'd like to, but she might try to come with me and that would be no fun.

Tru dat.

I could tell her I'm going on another cruise. You know how she disapproves of cruises.

Yes!

Better yet we should go on a cruise together

Yes. It shall come to pass.

*begins to Google*

You can get a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas from charleston for $269 per person.

Wow!! I could do that!!

I could probably swing it myself. We would have to take Husband, but its always good to have muscle.

Right. To fend off the people trying to budge in my buffet line.

LOL. You'd be surprised how aggressive those old people can get.

I AM one of the old people now...

Oh no you're not. I've been on a cruise.

Ha! I don't know if I can go 5 days yet but I could do 3...

It would be a bit before I could come up with the cash. I have some tuition to pay.

I think I'm going to let you spend your $7000 on one for all of us, and we can spread mom's ashes off the bow of a carnival cruise!

You have the best ideas EVER.

Wearing bikinis!

And chewing gum!

Said ashes will, of course, be contained in a martini shaker

A plastic martini shaker, And so said ashes don't fly back on us, we'll actually mix them with martini. Shaken. Not stirred.

Perfect. And as they fly through the air, Husband will swear a blue streak.

And we shall sing a bastardized version of Amazing Grace.

No, we shall sing how Great Thou Art because she hates that song.

Oh, right!!!

We will ask the steel drum band to back us up.

YES!!!!!

And I bet some drunk people will be on hand to sing the chorus off key

I should hope so.

You can wrap it all up by flirting with an athiest Arab

Oh, why stop there? He could be a staunch republican athiest uneducated porn star.

Who is Arab.

With illegitimate children? Please?

AND WEARING CALVIN KLEIN!!!!

Oh, all right. For you. Since you're paying and everything.

He's going to have to smoke, of course... Pot.

The whole experience will be much more meaningful if it occurs while we should be at church

Yes. Or at her actual funeral.

Oh! And we could shoot skeet WITH HER DISHES!

Using her tablecloths as Sunbathing blankets...

This keeps getting more and more awesome. We could alo have a bonfire of all her seminary files, using vodka as an accelerant.

And we will lay on top of those tablecloths reading 50 shades of gray even though we don't want to

Should we give her shoe collection to ungrateful pregnant high school drop-outs before or after we set sail?

Before. And we can let No. 3 eat all her Breyers ice cream, straight from the carton, with the Spanish spoon

Awww!

And we will soak up all the excess water from the hot tub with her oriental rugs

I actually like the oriental rugs when they're not in her house.

There was one rolled up under the piano for three years. I laid it out in front of the turtle tank and she noticed within 12 hours.

They have homing devices in them

They must. Or else she is a rug psychic.

Pfft. She Loves them like they are her children. Or instead of.

We better watch out or she will bequeath her estate to her beloved carpets.

I still have power of attorney. we're okay

How to Write Your Own Romance Novel

You'll have to excuse my lack of blogging lately. To be honest, I've kind of spiraled into depression because my life is no longer funny. My mother has gone completely haywire, engaging is such shocking behaviors as forgetting about her self-diagnosed plastic allergy, wandering outside in her bathrobe, and watching reruns of King of Queens on TV Land. (If you know my mother, you are perfectly aware that she has never watched anything but PBS. Ever.) No. 1 is graduating from high school and will soon leave the nest. Its become abundantly clear that the only way I'm going to stay afloat financially for the next few years is to sell one of my kidneys on eBay. And, worst of all, I have turned 40.

See, I told you it wasn't funny.

My traditional coping mechanism of denial is highly effective, but exhausting to maintain so I have taken to escapism. I watch a lot of Netflix and read a lot, and have found that the more fluffy the subject matter, the more enjoyable my escapism can be. For example, watching the first three seasons of Sons of Anarchy didn't help. The characters who had moral compasses to begin with either lost them or died in knife fights, and then my husband just HAD to have a motorcycle. I have always loved historical fiction and spy novels, but they tend to be full of death, suffering, and betrayal which make for compelling fiction but at the end up the day don't do much to perk me up. But if I watch something like, say, A Cinderella Story, I feel like a million bucks afterwords. Everyone lives happily after, and Hilary Duff isn't even on crack. I love books by Marian Keyes and Meg Cabot but I am too poor to buy them and don't have a car any more (add that little item to my list of reasons to be depressed), and one can only borrow one's teenage daughter's car so often before one feels pathetic, plus I would have to change out of my sweatpants to go to the library (despite four years in upstate New York, I still adhere to my personal standards about wearing sweats in public).

So I did what any other broke, depressed person with a Kindle would do and started reading a lot of free downloads, which made me realize there's a whole lot of bad writing out there being passed off and even sometimes appreciated is if it is Dickens. This got me thinking: Maybe instead of selling one of my kidneys, I should just write romance novels. It can't be that hard, can it? You just have to include the following:

A Generic Plot

90% of romance novels have the same basic plot.

Plot #1: Two people meet in high school (or college, if you're trying to shake things up) and it isn't just love, its true love. They are separated by tragic circumstances, usually an interfering relative, and neither one has been able to find happiness, fulfillment, or any meaning in their lives ever since. The hero has coped with this by sleeping with everyone he meets; the heroine has thrown herself into her career and has pretty much not left the house otherwise. Our lovers are reunited and overcome their bitterness, hurt, and tragic circumstances/interfering relatives to live happily ever after.

Plot #2: Two people enter into an engagement or marriage as part of a bet, deal, or other bargain in order to keep their inheritance, save their small business, or keep custody of their adorable and precocious love child. This plot works best if one of them is very rich. They overcome tragic circumstances/interfering relatives and discover true love, making their marriage real and living happily ever after.

Plot #3: Any combination of plots one and two.

Somebody Has to Have a Ridiculous Name

You can use a popular name with an odd spelling, like KarrLeigh, or a name that is unpopular for a good reason, like Sybil. You can also make a variation on a popular name, like Zavid or Pennifer. Another option is to mash names together, like Renesmee, and people won't think its ridiculous at all. No, really, they won't. If all else fails, just make something up. Berznat isn't any worse than some of the names that are already out there. Traditional names are perfectly acceptable as long as they are offset by something totally silly, like having a couple named Elizabeth and Blaze.

The Hero Must be Physically Perfect

Your heroine can have physical flaws - although its better for her to possess debilitating insecurity and a complete lack of awareness of her own charm and beauty - but the man can't. His six pack should be so defined you can clearly see the delineation of his muscles even when he is wearing a shirt. I don't believe I have ever seen such a thing in real life, but let's not allow that to bother us. Be sure to use the following adjectives as often as possible: bulging, taut, corded, and sinewy.

Superlative Use of Superlatives

Use the words "never" and "ever" at least once a paragraph. Also, you can never have too many exclamation points. Remember, this book is exciting! Its the best book ever written! And your readers have never read anything better! They want to hear all about how no one has ever known love and tenderness like this, never ever, in the history of all mankind!

Bad Metaphors

Example: An irate Reginald swept through the house, spewing fury like a shopaholic denied the last pair of Louboutins at a sample sale.
*or*
Kelly gazed at Shad longingly and lovingly over the burger bar, the aroma of guacamole filling the air and permeating every fiber of her being like a bomb of tear gas. (Apparently, I am such a great writer I can't even come up with good bad metaphors. I'll have to work on that.)

So there you have it: Everything you need to write your own romance novel. You can thank me later, after your story has been picked up by Harlequin and is being sold at Wal-Marts everywhere for $1.99.