Conversations With My Mother

Long time, no blog! We can blame it on a number of factors, really. Crazy busy schedule, kids broke my laptop, my mom's insanity has become more disturbing than funny, etc. But we won't dwell on excuses, let's jump right into the fun!

My mother is easily distracted and her mind wanders all over the place. She physically wanders, too, but that's another story altogether. I pretty much dread talking to her because I can never get a straight answer anymore. But on occasion, it is necessary to converse and here is what happens:

I call the house to find out if the scheduled road construction will interfere with my getting home for lunch. Mom answers the phone.

Mom: Hello!

Me: Hi, I was wondering if-

Mom: Hello unidentified caller! You are an unidentified caller!

Me: Yeah. Hey, how is the road construction? Will I be able to get to the house for lunch?

This question has two desirable answers. Yes, which means I can get home to eat a free but unappealing meal and No, which means I have an excuse to go to Wendy's and get a mood-altering frosty that will be, sadly, not free. One can never, ever get a desirable or even marginally simple answer out of my mother.

Mom: Well, I don't know. Let me see, I will have to go outside. I would ask the dog, because he's been outside, but he never answers me. Of course your father is nowhere to be found. I'm standing up, I'm heading - oh, did I tell you I got a wedding invitation from Hoosity McGoosity*? - I'm heading to the door, I'm almost to the door - I took your laundry out of the dryer, by the way, and I put it on the Danish coffee table. There were blonde hairs all over the Danish Coffee table. Someone has been cutting their hair in front of the TV, but I don't know who, no one in this house has hair that blonde - I'm opening the front door, I'm on the front porch and - Whoosits Whatsis* found out that she has psoriasis. Whoosits is such as special person and I just breaks my heart to see her suffer (gets weepy and sniffles) - Someone really needs to sweep this front porch, that storm last night got leaves and mud everywhere. Maybe I will do that after take my nap and watch my tape of the Lehrer Report - can you beleive what is happening in Norway? Its terrible, just terrible, they say - I'm walking down the driveway, I can see the street and they have it torn up - Did I tell you I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about a new method of manufacturing chewing gum and Horace Norris* works in a chewing gum factory and I am so worried about his job being cut and then they would move and I just love his wife Doris* and I couldn't stand to see them leave - and I'm at the end of the driveway, and they have the road closed up the hill but not down, so you should be able to get home just fine - by the way...

Me: That'swhatIneededtoknowhthanksbye! {click}

And that's how every conversation with my mom goes these days.

*Bear in mind that I don't know any of these people.